I feel like a failure. Dishes need to be done (even though I do them every. Single. Day. They have a nasty habit of magically appearing in my sink.) laundry needs to be washed and folded, the floors need to be cleaned, Bunny’s toys need to be picked up. Oh and I need to find time to not only feed myself but also feed two babies and my family. I feel like I am failing as a mother, a wife, and a home maker. My love and I barely have time for each other because there is constantly something or someone who needs my attention. There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. I need 8 more hands. Every second of the day I feel like I am letting down one of my children. Bunny needs me 24/7 and so does Baby Sister. Sometimes I wish I was still pregnant. When I was pregnant I knew Baby Sister was getting exactly what she needed all the time. She was fed, held, loved. Every second of the day. And I could give Bunny everything she needed all day too. Hugs, kisses, food, naps. Anything. Now, I feel like I have to choose between them. It is a horrible feeling and I hate it. Bunny has been nursing more, for two reasons. First she was sick and now she’s nursing because Baby Sister is. If you’re thinking, why don’t you just stop nursing Bunny it’s that easy, think again. It’s not that easy. Right now nursing is one of Bunny’s main comfort sources. If she wasn’t nursing she would be seeking some other form of comfort. And how horrible would that feel to have that comfort taken away and given to someone else, Baby Sister? Bunny is a person and I try to think of her feelings, not just mine.
It is difficult because both children have needed me all day and all night. It is exhausting emotionally mentally and physically. I am still recovering from giving birth. As much as I wish I was healed, I am not. Our bodies have a great way of letting us know when we are doing too much and unfortunately my body is telling me this.
Nap time is especially difficult. For the past few days Baby Sister hasn’t fallen asleep before Bunny’s nap. I thought we had a good thing going. Baby Sister was nursing and falling asleep right before Bunny’s nap allowing me to nurse Bunny to sleep like normal. The past few days Baby Sister has been needier. Which is her right as a newborn. Yesterday Bunny didn’t nap at all. Today Bunny and Baby Sister both finally fell asleep after I attempted to nurse them both laying down. It worked great for Bunny but not so well for Baby Sister. So I rocked Baby Sister while Bunny laid in her bed. Both children were fussing. I started crying with them and that apparently is magic. Both babies settled down and fell asleep. I guess all I need to do is cry my eyes out for nap time to get my babies to sleep.
Figuring out life with two babies is difficult. I love both of my children so much and can’t imagine life without either one. I know this is a phase and it will pass. But right now, this phase is the hardest phase of my life. Giving birth naturally to a 10 pound baby was easy. This, what I am doing right now, this is the hard part. Struggling through each and every day, hoping and praying tomorrow will be better. I want to be a calm, loving, Christ like mother and I feel like I am failing miserably. It is the worst feeling in the world.
I want the worldly things, the laundry and dishes and housework, to magically go away so I can enjoy each of my babies both together and separately. I want to love and enjoy every minute of Bunny’s toddler days. I know they will pass by quickly. She is learning so much each and every day. I feel like both of us are missing out on spending time together. I want to enjoy each and every day of Baby Sisters life as well. I do know these days pass by far too quickly. She will only be this little and tiny for one day. Tomorrow she will be bigger and stronger and one day closer to being a baby, not a newborn.
I try to do things with both of my babies every day. I try to include Bunny in caring for Baby Sister. I try to include Baby Sister in Bunny’s activities, as much as I can. It is hard nursing a newborn. I spend at least half my day nursing her. I know this is how it’s supposed to be and it is good. I wish there was a way to pause time so I can have enough time with each child and have time with My Love. I hate having to choose. And most of the time there is no choice to make. Baby sister is a baby. She needs me the most right now.
Life with two babies is hard. Nobody told me this. I know it will get better and, maybe, I will miss these days. Every day seems to be a little bit better, if only by a hair. If you are there with me, figuring out life with two babies, hang in there. We’ve got this!